Not ready

        Why am I sitting here at 10:00 crying? Because tomorrow is I have been dreading for the last five months. Tomorrow Maddie goes to "try out" her babysitter for the first time. She will go two days this week, then full time next week. How did it get here so quickly? I know being upset seems selfish. After all I've had way longer with her then most working moms get. Although I had to go back to work before the school year ended, it didn't seem that bad. I only had six weeks of the school year left, and we were very lucky to be able to leave her with family. Plus she was still in the newborn stage, so she would sleep most of the day away. Now she is a babbling, moving cuddle bug. She has become a little person with her own personality. It kills me that now during the week someone else will spend more time with her than I will. Someone else will get to cuddle her, and hold her, and see that adorable face she makes when she first wakes up from a nap. Someone else will comfort her when she is upset, and make her laugh, and I will be down to only 5 hours a day with her. I will have to spend 15 minutes three times a day hooked up to a pump instead of nursing my baby girl.
          Realistically I know it is going to be fine. We really like our sitter. She is very highly recommended from a friend, and I really feel like she will love Maddie (I mean really who couldn't :). We will settle into a routine, and I will cherish the times I have with Maddie more than I do now. She will have someone else to love her and get to form friendships with the other three little ones there. I know no one will ever replace her momma. We have had an incredible five months. We've done more snuggling, playing, and loving than I thought was possible. We have a bond I can't even begin to describe, and I know that won't change. I love what I do, and my income ensures that not only do we make our bills, but have enough money to do fun things (vacations, new toys, cute clothes), and necessary things (health insurance for me and Maddie, a college fund). I will get to have conversations with adults again, and actually have to get out of my pajamas everyday. We are going to be fine.
         Now can someone tell that to my heart....cause I'm just not ready.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”-Elizabeth Stone